Body Image

How we see ourselves and feel about ourselves is *such* an important part of being healthy inside and out.

I would love to say that I have no qualms with how I see myself, but that simply isn’t true.  We all have our days where we look at our bodies and only see flaws, but for me, this has happened more or more since I have been unable to exercise without getting a migraine (more on that later).

This especially reared it’s ugly head during my wedding.  At 30 pounds over what I consider a “healthy” weight for me, seeing the pictures was sort of painful.  On one hand, I *loved* them.  They are a reflection of a weekend filled with fun and love.  I loved the work of our professionals and seeing all the facial expressions and small moments we missed captured by our guests.  And truthfully, I know I looked very great and seeing them makes me happy.

Shot by my friend Kelly

However, every time I see those pictures, I also see the extra weight.  The extra roundness in my face.  The roll at the top side of my dress.  The soft pudgy arms.  I knew I had gained weight and lost muscle mass and I have actively been trying to be more healthy to combat it, but it didn’t hit me of how I really looked until I saw the pictures.  To me, I don’t see that view on a day to day basis and while pictures certainly can lie, I know that most of our guests didn’t photoshop me.  And I know a lot of other people don’t see the little things I see, and that’s totally fine because I know I’m not at a point where I feel my body is healthy.

So I see the beauty in them and the beauty in me on a regular basis, I really do, but I also see my flaws screaming at me. Sometimes it bothers me a lot and other times I’m just lost in happiness seeing them.  A big part of me realizes that I’m not perfect and that most people don’t even notice the things that bother me (although I have had a few people ask if I’m pregnant… ouch.  Thankfully that didn’t happen at the wedding.).  I’m very accepting of who I am as a person, but I haven’t quite accepted that I’m at a point where I’m limited in what I can do and that has affected how I am seen by others.   I feel like I have a ways to go in this arena, but at least I am not at the point where I don’t want to go outside or where I am making unhealthy decisions about how to change my body. I am working on being healthier inside and out and hopefully with that will come acceptance of the things I can change and can’t change.

Do you ever have moments like this?  Was there anything, like a wedding, that tipped the scales for you?

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Kelly G.
    Aug 06, 2010 @ 20:29:58

    I feel that way constantly about any photo that shows up on facebook. I am appalled at the image I see vs. how I feel I look and confused at the contradictions running through my brain. It sounds weird, but it is kind of comforting to know that someone as absolutely stunning as yourself (I am not kidding, I think of you as one of the most beautiful people I know!) has things she does not appreciate about her body, and is going about changing it in a healthy way. I am making oh, so slow attempts too and I wish you all the best darlin. 🙂

    Reply

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